This blog is all about you. This is how it works. Write a meaningful letter. Title you letter in the format of "I *verb* *subject* because..." Send your letter with the title as the subject to The letters are posted here. Enjoy.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I dropped the ball with you because...

I dropped the ball with you because I didn't trust my instincts.
I remember the first time I met. I was just stopping by to visit. Then you happened. "Hey you should meet these people!" I'm not really a meet new people kind of person. But this time it was different. I saw you. WOW. I heard you say something. WOW. You looked at me. I wanted to run. This shouldn't be happening to me. I like where I'm at. This complication is not at all what I came here for.

This little development lasted for over a year, and still continues today. I can't get you out of my head. You probably don't even know about it. I should have been discouraged. You asked my name MONTHS after I met you. Even if I had only seen you a few times I was crushed that you had to ask that. I was so caught up in the idea of you that I couldn't fathom you not knowing my name, not knowing I existed. Just like everyone else of your species, I just seem to be a dimly lit star in your galaxy. You might acknowledge that I exist, but as time passes I becomes irrelevant. Forgotten. Just a part of the background.

The saddest part is that you hold some of my favorite memories even if you don't know it. I stopped by to visit occasionally. Never to see you, but I'll take what I can get. I am so stuck on the idea of you that I can document my visits by how I interacted with you. I remember every moment of being in your presence. Something sick is going on in my brain that causes me to feel this way but it can't be denied. I might not understand why I feel how I do but I know how I feel. Maybe I'm broken beyond repair. I should be happy where I'm at. According to everyone else I am where I should be. I don't find that to be entirely true of my situation. Am I happy? Sometimes yes. But I see room for improvement.

I think my shot with you is long gone. I contemplated for DAYS just sending you a sign to see if you felt it too, this magnetic attraction that kept pulling me in. I never got to send you anything. I even contemplated sending you something anonymously, just hoping you could identify who exactly I was. I wanted this all to play out like in the movies. Don't we all? I drop everything and go where I belong with the person who understands me after knowing me for a short time. Someone who can read me, and my stonewall personality after hours of interaction. This is all just a fairy tale ending that no one can have.

Fuck you Taylor Swift. You knew you were writing pure garbage with that song. That song I heard ENDLESSLY at work and thought of you. I shouldn't have been thinking of you. I had someone else to think about. But again, my head went where it thought it belonged. That little voice in our heads is powerful. It know what we really want. It might not be the best choice, in fact it might be the worst decision in our life, but goddammit if that voice isn't powerful. I think the time to act on this has passed for now. Passed in the same way I always seem to be occupied when all I wanted was to know you. To really get to know you. I guess now we are both busy with something else.

I have sacrificed getting to know you better a few times, because I knew it was for the greater good. Now I wonder if I was right. I had the opportunity. Tardiness, one of my specialties, opened up this opportunity for me, and I flat out gave it away. Handed it to someone in need. Someone caught under the same affliction I am. We both face the same fate. It hurts but what can we really do? I think half the reason I'm writing this is for that fairy tale ending. You read this and know EXACTLY who wrote it. But I'm not naive. It won't happen.

Some asshole who controls the universe likes to watch me squirm. Must be a fun game being in control. What I took as hints seemed to be coincidence. Coincidence struck FIVE times. That's enough to make the voice upstairs sound the alarm. The most cruel thing this asshole does is put me in such promising situations. It's so perfect, and I lay out how it will happen in my head. It never does. Never will. Those thoughts are dreams and they are intended to stay that way. Even if I am filled with pure sadness I can't get over you. Can you make me get over you? I already know this answer. It's no.

Welcome to my fairy tale. This part is the not so happy ending.
-A Dreamer

Friday, August 20, 2010

I trust you and I thank you because...

I trust you because despite everything else I know this is what's right. I trust you because you've done wrong and have learned your lesson. I trust you because I finally trust myself above everything else. I trust you because I'm not scared. I trust you because this is going somewhere and I trust where it's headed.

I thank you (Michael) because without knowing it you opened up a door of communication for us. Perhaps things would have opened up eventually but because of this blog things got going much faster. Without this blog we'd be a ways away and so for that, I thank you. You helped in a way you didn't even know and so I am thankful : )
You helped two people reach out towards one another, and now we're holding hands. Thank you!